Spicy or Bland?

It should come as no surprise to anybody that massive corporations exist to make money. They develop and produce products that people want to buy. The ones that get it right more often than not make a profit. Companies that produce bad products disappear. At “Jimmy’s Pretty Decent Hamburgers, Where You Won’t Get Sick Most of the Time” you can get a pretty decent hamburger that rarely makes you sick. But Burger King has the Whopper. I am not well versed on world burger monarchy, but I would imagine the King of Burgers would surpass Jimmy’s best efforts. Had Jimmy considered the name of his establishment more closely maybe he would have been more successful, no matter how good his burgers were. With some attention to detail, it’s not all that hard to be successful at business. Car makers, for instance, have a simple job. To make cars. It’s right there in the name. How hard can it be?

Shockingly hard, as it turns out. Not only must the product be good enough to sell alongside similar products, it must also meet safety and emission requirements in order to be sold in the first place. Automobiles are the most regulated of consumer commodities. Gone are the days of crap cars like the Edsel, Pinto, Corvair, Pacer, Gremlin, and anything built by British Leyland. Computers have made everything easier, including automobile design. The digital age has made it possible to virtually produce products, resulting in the deletion of truly horrible cars before a single part is created in the real world. In addition to virtual design, decades of marketing research has reduced the number of duds coming from the production line. With the notable exception of the Pontiac Aztec and the 2016 election, computers are generally competent at predicting the future. Not to say that all new cars are good. Most are simply adequate, lacking any focus or passion. Discounting the Jeep Renegade and Fiat 500L (which, incidentally, are the same terrible car) anything you end up with will be comfortable, safe, reliable and efficient.

Oatmeal is comfortable, safe, reliable, and efficient. Do you want to eat oatmeal the rest of your life? Of course not. You want a habanero bacon milkshake with a flaming bourbon chaser. While something like a new Shelby Mustang GT350 seems like the perfect cure for the common car, it is still comfortable, refined, and safe. Let’s call it an oatmeal cookie. Good, and good for you. But that’s not the point. At the very minimum, we should consider things like the Honda S2000. I attempted a long distance trip in one and arrived at my destination deaf and contorted. It didn’t even get very good gas mileage because it was singing along at 4800RPM the whole time. An even better idea would be a Jeep old enough to have leaf springs. I know for a fact that they leave the ground over every frost heave. Anything built by International Harvester would also fit the bill. And, I knew a guy once that drove a Winston Cup car everywhere. That’s right, full-on-race-car on the street. I don’t know how he put tags on it, but it was legal as far as I knew.

Four-door pickup trucks and cute-utes are boring. In fact, anything that comes with a warranty is boring. You should have something in the driveway that makes you want to drive it for no reason. Almost any modified or hand built car will work. Stiff suspensions, loud engines, and questionable paint schemes make life more interesting. It doesn’t have to be expensive, either. Something like a decent Honda CRX Si is more fun than any new car. Old BMW M-cars were all amazing. Any Alfa Romeo will work. Porsche has built literally a million cars that will make you happy. And if all else fails, get a motorcycle. Because when it comes down to it, you can always rent a car to go to grandma’s house. She isn’t impressed with your LS swapped Corvair, anyway.