Experts

I can't stand "experts".  Because most of the time "experts" turn out to be "salesmen".  Want the best fridge in the world?  Don't ask the guy that sells them.  You will end up with the one that makes him the most money, regardless of your needs.  Want to protect your family from financial disaster?  Don't ask the guy that sales life insurance.  Want the best car for your needs?  Well, you get the picture.

I will be the first to admit I don't know everything.  Sure, I know most things about cars, but I have a very limited notion of, for instance, fashion.  My closet is split into cargo pants for work, and cargo pants for days off.  Oh, and cargo shorts for warm weather.  I know what a suit is, but I do not own one.  If I am required to buy a suit, I am at the mercy of the salesman.  Luckily, here in the artsy-fartsy southern town in which I live, finding a dude to fashion me all up is easy.  Some guys live for that crap.  And when I need that particular skill, I am willing to pay for it.

But when the guy at True Value pounces on me right inside the door just dying to know why I came in today, I get a little frustrated.  See, I know why I am at the hardware store.  I am there for a 3/4 hose thread by 3/4 MPT fitting so that I can connect a garden hose to the ball valve I just installed.  And I don't want to explain why I used a ball valve instead of a hose bib.  Or why it has to be brass instead of galvanized.  Or that it is on an industrial machine, and not my house.  Or that the weather is nice today, or that I don't care for any free popcorn, or that I don't need a new kink-proof garden hose, but thank you anyway.  Once having successfully navigated the plumbing department exchange with my new best friend, I am again forced to explain why I don't have a rewards card to the adorable cashier.  Only to find that the girl at the register has to talk into her little walkie-talkie because the barcode won't scan.  And the very same guy that wouldn't leave me alone just a minute ago has to literally run up to the register so he can take the fitting back to the plumbing department and contact the Swiss Guard, who inform the Holy Father of the shortcoming, which requires a gathering of the College of Cardinals to find the correct passage and verse in order to process the request for an override so that I can hand over my money and leave the store with the fitting that absolutely nobody in the history of True Value believes, in their heart, is the correct fitting for my application.

The problem is not that the helpful hardware folks are anything but, rather, the guy that actually knew what you needed has closed his hardware store and retired, because he can't possibly compete with mega stores full of products whose purpose eludes the very people there to help you purchase the product in the first place.  And hardware stores represent only a fraction of the problem.  Speed shops do not exist anymore.  I don't mean auto parts stores, I can see three of those from my house.  I mean speed shops where the guy behind the counter not only knew timing specs for your Windsor (it depends on the cam, carb, and exhaust, by the way) but could also recommend a good BBQ place (12 Bones down by the river).  He would also not look at you like you were CRAZY for wanting to put an LS in a Cobra replica.  Speed shops were places where creativity and ingenuity were not only accepted, but expected. 

I am sure this online world has eliminated any possibility of a local specialty automotive store, along with your local Hi-Fi retailer, or even a Radio Shack.  But it has created a situation where almost anything you ever wanted to know about almost anything you can think is at your fingertips.  Most of it is crap (I place this blog fully in that category) but from time to time real nuggets of insight are found.  It's just too bad that it is not possible to make a living peddling parts for obscure European cars anymore.  Unless it is online.