I talk a lot of crap. This in no way makes me special. Like any politician, preacher, or salesman, I say many things. These declarations may be solid, based in fact and research, or they may fall apart under the most banal scrutiny. To this point, I would like to correct an erratum. No simple misprint, this, but a full-on admission of a slight taken against the Porsche 911 at every opportunity. It is petty and unfair. To wit, I would like to apologize unreservedly. I offer a complete and utter retraction of all egregious statements. The imputations were totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused the Porsche 911 and its variants, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.*
I simply express contempt about the 911 because the car is so fanatically loved, it deserves a little ridicule. It is not, in fact, the best car in the world. It was designed more than 50 years ago as an improvement on the original VW Beetle. Fact. As a result, its air cooled engine is in the wrong place, is constructed like a motorcycle engine, never had a multi valve head, required engine removal to change the spark plugs, and held as much oil as a Peterbuilt. The suspension shared more in common with a Citroen 2CV than a Ferrari. The old turbo model had a four speed transmission in 1988! It was difficult and expensive for Porsche to manufacture, despite being a conventional unibody design. As features were added, switches and controls were placed wherever they would fit, not necessarily where they should go. Porsche even tried several times to stop making the 911, producing much better cars that were widely ignored. As car things go, the 911 should be a joke. A relic of a boutique manufacturer that should have been absorbed by a VW or Mercedes Benz many years ago.
But a joke the 911 is not. In spite of its obvious flaws it is a fast, comfortable, practical, high quality, legitimate sports car. It does not have quaint “retro” styling approximating the classis, it simply looks like a 911. It has always been sincerely quick, and is track raced proportionally more than any other single model of automobile. With very few exceptions it retains its value, and can even appreciate over time. If there were ever a device that represented more than the sum of its parts, it is the Porsche 911.
So why do I make fun of it constantly, even though I admit my next car could be a 911? It has more to do with the people that tend to buy the 911 than the car itself. The 911 is instantly recognizable as a non-essential, yet costly item. As such, many people have them simply because they can, and have no real appreciation for the automobile. Of course this can be said for any luxury item, be it an Omega watch or a La Marzocco espresso maker. The 911 has long been a symbol of success, and maybe even of excess, for the upwardly mobile. There is nothing more satisfying to the middle classes than appearing to be in the upper classes, and some achieve this by purchasing a 911, even if they don’t really care what they drive. Combine arrogance and a Turbo 911, and the result is usually a little German sports car in the hedges.
I will be the first to admit this stereotype was born from the excesses of the 80’s, and has almost nothing to do with reality. Simply owning a 911 does not make you an arrogant butt-head. But the cachet of the 911 tends to draw more butt-heads per capita than something like a Honda Accord. Still, I could be wrong. Observation proves that most 911 owners I know are normal, certous, even kind and caring people. They, generally, feel fortunate to drive a 911 and want everybody to have one. In fact, it is not the speed or status these guys like about the 911, it’s the history, the quality, and the singular feel of the car that makes it worth the investment. The 911 is unique among cars due to its rear engine design, not its price tag. I unfairly deride the 911 because it tends to get a rise out of my friends, and I enjoy that.
I may even purchase a 911 at some point, as long as I am never forced to attend a PCA event. My fragile psyche can hardly handle the fact that I write about cars. Had I to stand around and talk about Porsches all day, I might seriously lose it.
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*Blatent rip-off of "A Fish Called Wanda"
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