Santa's Helper

As we slide into the inevitable Christmas shopping season, it occurs to me that I tend to receive automotive related gifts.  This is no surprise to the people that know me, I'm sure.  People that know me, and I am a real person, not a Russian bot attempting to sway your opinion, know that I like cars.  Gearheads, petrol heads, car geeks, grease monkey, whatever ambiguously insulting term you may use, indeed that's what I am.

So gift buying should be easy, right?  Just get any car-themed item, and I will be happy.  Because I like cars.  The truth is, I really do like (some) cars.  However, things that are not cars, but are shaped like cars, I probably don't like.  For instance, I don't like cologne.  Bottling it in a Duesenberg shaped container doesn't help. I probably don't need gummy candy in the shape of tires.  Coffee doesn't taste any better in a cup with a Mustang on it.  My vestibule is clean even though a Chevrolet bowtie doormat is missing.  My hair stays out of my face despite my lack of a '49 Mercury bandana.  I sleep fine, even though my pillow is not adorned with a Jaguar Sovereign pillowcase.  And the next time you are in Target, slide on past the Armor All gift pack.  See, I like cars, not necessarily random daily items somehow imbued with the greatest hits of automotive history.

I am not saying that I only want cars for Christmas.  Actually, I am saying that I only want cars for Christmas.  But since everybody I know has not recently won the lottery, that's probably not an option.  And if I did receive a car, it would probably be something stupid like an Audi, or a pickup truck.  I would have to ask for a gift receipt so I could return it for store credit. 

But to the savvy shopper, there are some items a car guy might want.  Tools are always an option.  But there is a specificity to tools that can make a seemingly simple gift idea shockingly complicated.  For one thing, they are excruciatingly expensive.  Unless you get cheap tools.  And that is insulting, so don't bother.  I can buy cheap tools for myself and rationalize it away.  But to receive them as a gift is just as problematic as receiving fruitcake.  You don't want to seem ungrateful, but my god, fruitcake?!  While any quality, useful tool is a welcome gift, finding the right, useful tool is difficult.  After all, there are only so many flat head screwdrivers a person needs.

So, if not car shaped cologne or tools, what then?  Meaningful conversation?  There are many reasons I like cars.  Included in that list is the fact that a car is essentially a tiny little room with two comfortable seats and a loud stereo.  Conversation with one person is possible, but not recommended.  Besides that, people tend to clam up about the same time the rear tires lose traction.  Something about lateral G-forces forcing the Broca against the inside of the skull.  Besides that, most of the things I think are total crap.  Nobody needs to hear that.

This gift thing is much more complicated than I ever thought.  Kinda like healthcare.  Who knew?  I knew that's who.  I guess it comes down to this: don't give gifts.  Greeting cards are a joke.  This consumer life we live is pointless.  Instead, make those who mean something to you understand every day that they are loved.  Tell funny stories, listen when you are spoken to, solve the problems you can, don't stress about the ones you can't, and above all, be kind to one another.  All I want for Christmas is you.  To think for yourself.  Happy Holidays from The CamFollower.com