Because Corvette

I hate to be the one who must state the obvious: The Corvette is the best car in the world. It’s not the fastest, or the prettiest, or even the best made. But when you are considering spending your own money on a real sports car, it is nigh impossible to do better than a Corvette.

Declarative statements tend to make people mad.  Maybe I should be a little more specific before I start throwing down declarative statements.  Definitions are in order, or there will be misunderstandings.  In addition, specific definitions may help keep my teeth attached to my face, and not clattering across the floor.  The sports car is an attractive automobile intended to be driven for pleasure and speed, or the perception of speed, with all other considerations compromised. This definition of a sports car is intentionally ambiguous, yet surprisingly specific. Sports cars are not exclusively about speed, but they must be fast enough to entertain the driver. They are also not exclusively about beauty, but must not embarrass the owner with unnecessary frippery. A sports car should be relatively simple, have a reasonable power to weight ratio, and should not share a chassis with ordinary sedans. It must be rear wheel drive and have a manual gearbox. A racing pedigree would help, but since Nascar has been full of Dodge Intrepids, Ford Tauruses, and Toyota Camrys, maybe it really doesn’t matter after all. And it must make your mother uncomfortable.

While it is easy to identify a sports car, it is almost impossible to quantify.  Just as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart so eloquently put it, “I know it when I see it.” An Audi TT is a fast car, but it is based on a Golf and has a front wheel drive chassis. It is not a sports car. The Mustang is somewhat comfortable, has a back seat, and is heavier than absolutely necessary. It is not a sports car.  The Mazda MX5 Miata is slow and has skinny tires, but is the pure analog of the sports car.  The Miata fits my definition perfectly, not because it is fast, which it certainly is not, but because it is built exclusively to entertain. It is just a coincidence that it is well made, has a trunk, and can be used as a normal car.

There is nothing wrong with a Mustang or Camaro or Nissan GT-R or Aston Martin DB11 or Hellcat.  But they are not sports cars. For one thing, they are all hideously expensive.  They are also silly fast.  Classics like a TR-6 or 240Z would be unable to outperform a base Accord, but they would deliver the perception of speed in a way simply impossible to attain in any modern car.  

It is no secret that I like old cars, but there is the issue of a lack of actual performance with many classics.  I would consider a classic Italian roadster a sports car, but there is no avoiding the fact that an Alfa Romeo Spider is slow.  I mean really slow.  Like Prius slow.  When considering sports cars, driving pleasure is high on the list, and the waiting would begin to annoy me at some point with a Spider.  Waiting on the damn thing to start on the morning I wanted to take a drive.  Waiting for parts to arrive from Italy so I could take a drive.  And on that day when driving became a reality, waiting on the road to flatten out so I could get out of second gear.  A car like the Spider would be more entertaining to polish than drive so it would not make my short list.  

The archetype of attractive, simple, affordable, and relatively fast always brings me back to something like the Corvette.  There are very expensive Corvettes, but avoiding anything from before the early 1970’s eliminates that problem.  Of course, that eliminates some of the most beautiful Corvettes, but there are still svelte designs in our price range.  It is not hard to find $4,000 1980’s models out there, but I want to be a little more ambitious than that.  The C3 Stingray with plastic bumpers is a prime candidate.  From 1974 onward the Corvette lost its chrome ends.  We can thank a certain Green Party Presidential Candidate for that.  It is not impossible to find an early C3 in need of restoration for reasonable money, but they are still double the price of a later car.  And besides that, I like to modify cars a little, and anything I did to a chrome bumper car would reduce its value.  So, settling on a 1976 Corvette nets a sugar scoop rear window, quad round pop-up headlights, chrome eyeball vents, classic high-back buckets, funky rotating slider climate controls, a knobber radio, and dainty chrome door mirrors.  It also earns you a wheezing  +/- 200 HP 350, a dim-witted automatic transmission, and cutting edge 1950’s suspension technology.  But any car this old will need a little mechanical love, and that is where the magic is found.

Restoration is shockingly simple with any classic Corvette.  There are numerous suppliers of specialty parts, making those hard-to-find items not so hard-to-find.  Of course, a little modification would accompany any restoration, and it is simple enough to accomplish.  The Carter era lump and slushbox can be easily modified, or better yet, swapped with an LS and six speed.  And the stone-age suspension and brakes can be updated and improved.  With a budget of (considerably) less than $20K a very fast, reliable classic can be built.  It would have the styling and mechanical honesty modern cars necessarily lack.  And, unlike a European classic, it is substantial enough to avoid that fragile feeling common to cars like MGs and Triumphs.  In addition, a resto-mod Corvette would deliver the complete driving experience expected from a sports car, while avoiding the unfavorable judgment usually reserved for people in overtly expensive or rare cars.  

And you would never lose a dime on it.  That’s why the answer is always Corvette.

Preparations, including H

Recently I noticed a sign that asked: “Is Your Car Prepared for Winter?” It’s not really something I had considered until then. I assume my car is prepared for winter. It is out there all the time, it has seen the leaves fall from the trees, it has felt the cool air blowing around its slightly deflated tires. While it is true I have not expressly gone out to my trusty old Honda and explained, in a reassuring tone, using calming and non-threatening language that winter is indeed coming, I would speculate that the old girl has guessed that once again, winter is upon us. This will be my car’s 18th winter, after all. So, in answer to the sign; yes, my car is prepared for winter, but by no specific actions I have taken.

My ancient CR-V understands winter no more than it understands a haiku. But it is properly maintained every season of the year, so winter poses no more concern than do bird droppings. I have no doubt that when June or July is doing its best to suffocate us with heat and humidity, the same sign will ask if my car is prepared for summer. It begs the question, how does a car prepare for anything?

Of course, I understand the meaning of the sign is not a concern for my old car, it is a concern for the profit of the businesses who owns the sign. Normal maintenance is enough to prepare your car for any meteorological incident. Modern cars are extraordinarily reliable. What used to take an experienced technician hours is handled instantly and transparently by a computer. Therefore my lack of mechanical sympathy is a direct product of the modern digital age. In the recent past, it was more important to prepare for climatic changes. For instance, Russia has never been successfully invaded, not because if a fierce national defense system, but because it is a cold, desolate place.  All the Russians have to do to win a war is to wait for winter. Invading Mongolians froze on their horses. Hitler’s blitzkrieg ground to a halt in the sub-zero Siberian planes. Dissidents and American spies had no hope of escape from a Soviet gulag. Preparing for winter may have been a life-and-death proposal in before the 1980’s, but it is now no more than a nuisance. As long as your battery and coolant are healthy, your car will operate normally, no matter what the weather.

However, winter carries its own risks completely unrelated to automobile maintenance. Maybe the sign should ask “Are You Prepared For Winter?” Mechanical overconfidence can have disastrous results, especially for the unprepared driver. For instance, in the early 90’s GM made anti-lock brakes standard equipment on all of its vehicles. Instead of improving safety, it resulted in many more GM cars being involved in accidents. It seems drivers assumed ABS would solve any problem, and drove more aggressively than they had previously. Computer driven vehicle stability control can not overcome ignorance.

Technology has now progressed to the point that many new cars are “uncrashable.” The safety systems will apply brakes and steer to avoid potential accidents, regardless of the wishes of the driver. These systems are even sophisticated enough to operate proficiently in snow and ice, compensating for a lower coefficient of friction automatically. There are also fully autonomous, self-driving cars which operate perfectly in all conditions. Some work better than others, with Tesla clearly leading the field. So, as far as irrelevant things go, winter preparations may be near the top of the list. A full fuel tank, spare blanket, and a bottle or two of water might be a good idea, but I am confident that your car will not care about the forecast in the least.